Asking for and accepting help is a strength, not a weakness

Depending on where we live and how we have been brought up, many of us struggle to ask for help, even when we desperately need it. Here are a few reminders on why it is ok to ask for and to accept help which is offered. I hope that after reading this you are able to start to see it as a strength. This blog is aimed at people with chronic pain and/or illness, but is a good reminder to everyone.

It is not a character flaw to need help

A lot of clients who I see struggle with feelings of depression, anxiety and shame around asking for and accepting help. They worry that people may “pity” them, “feel sorry” for them or see them as “weak”.

The thing is: EVERYBODY at some point in their life will need help. It could be help with lifting something that is too heavy. Or being picked up because their car has broken down. And usually, many of us do not worry about asking for that kind of help.

In terms of effort for the person helping, the above example is no different to helping someone when they are ill. It could be washing someone’s dishes for them because they’ve run out of energy. Or picking someone up to drive them somewhere because they are in too much pain to drive. Despite this not being any more energy for the person helping, we tend to worry more about asking for this type of help.

Needing help is not a reflection on you as a person, it just means that life can be more difficult at times.

If the roles were reversed and someone asked you for help, I imagine that you would be much kinder to that person than you would be to yourself!

It is strong to do something that scares you

I imagine one of the reasons you are here reading this is because asking for help is difficult. It may be anxiety-provoking, scary, or induce feelings of shame or guilt. You may be bombarded with thoughts of why you “should” not ask for help.

One of the definitions of strength is: to do something that takes a lot of mental effort. Therefore, being able to ask for help despite all the difficult emotions and thoughts that arise from it is a feat of mental strength. The complete opposite of weakness.

A lot of people actually like to help

Believe it or not, many people get a very satisfying feeling from helping others. You may not want other people to go out of their way for you, but many people feel like they have done a ‘good deed’ for the day by helping. Usually, people who offer help care very deeply about you and do want to help. For them to see you struggle can actually be harder for them emotionally than if you had accepted the help (or asked for it in the first place!).

The person helping may have more ‘charge’ than you

Let me explain a lovely metaphor for energy. Imagine that each person has a battery of energy to last them the day, just like a mobile phone does. (Apologies for the maths in this example!).

I’m going to use two hypothetical people to explain this metaphor. Brenda has a chronic illness causing pain and fatigue. She has a friend called Susan who does not have any health issues.

Brenda wakes up one morning and is running on about 20% battery charge. Due to her illness, her “charger” is faulty which means that sleep and rest do not increase her battery over 20% charged.

Susan wakes up the same morning with 90% battery charge. Her “charger” works well and she wakes feeling rested.

Brenda has to shower, make food, wash the dishes and put the laundry on that day. In total, let’s say this uses 15% charge. This leaves Brenda with 5% charge to get through the rest of the day. This is not enough to get anything else done other than walk to the bathroom to use the toilet, eat something and go up the stairs to bed at night. With rest between the activities, maybe Brenda can re-charge another 5%.

Now Susan has to do all the same activities – shower, make food, wash the dishes and do the laundry. To keep this example simple, these activities use the same 15% of energy. This leaves Susan with 75% charge – plenty to be doing other activities that day! Susan may have the energy to have a day trip out, clean more of the house or do an exercise class for example.

What makes it more complicated is that for someone with chronic pain or illness, activities use more charge than for someone without pain or illness. This is because everyday tasks are more difficult and take more energy when you are in pain or unwell. So in this example, the activities that take up 15% of Brenda’s charge may actually only take up 5% of Susan’s charge.

Therefore, if Susan offered to help Brenda by washing her dishes or hanging out her laundry, this would not really impact Susan’s overall charge much. She will still be left with about 70% charge for the rest of the day. But what it might do is leave Brenda with a little bit more charge to do something she really values with her energy. Maybe she could read a book, go on a little walk, or concentrate on her favourite TV show.

So to bring this example back to you - if you have a long-term health condition, making time for activities that bring you joy is an important way to live a rich and meaningful life. Asking for or accepting help with tasks that tire you out will give you more chance to use the energy you saved on something that makes you feel good. This will help towards you living your best life.

Let people take responsibility for their actions

One of the most common reasons I hear from my clients (and my own brain sometimes!) for not accepting help offered by others is that they don’t want to “put the person out”. My immediate response is “if they didn’t want to help, then they wouldn’t offer”! But I know that this is usually not a good enough response to make people feel better about accepting help. Very often people worry that someone offered help but did not actually mean it, or that they felt obliged to offer. And yes, sometimes this may be the case, but it’s quite a nice reminder that people are responsible for their actions. If they asked but did not mean it, it is not your responsibility to second-guess them. If they did not actually want to help and you have accepted it, then they can choose not to offer in the future.

And by asking for help, you are taking responsibility for looking after your own health. This is a key skill for managing a long-term health condition – to know your boundaries and to know when to ask for help.

Summary

I hope that this blog has helped you to feel a bit more able to ask for help. Or at least to accept help if it is offered. Doing something different can feel strange, and takes practice. The more you ask for help, the easier it will become to ask for it next time. Once you see that you can put your energy into valued activities instead, it will be even more motivating to ask for and accept help.

You may also feel empowered for taking responsibility for your health. It may even allow others to feel good because you’ve given them the opportunity to help.

Remember, doing something difficult or that scares you is bravery. And asking for help (especially when you don’t want to!) is a strength, most definitely not a weakness.

If asking for help or accepting help is something that you really struggle with and you would like some support, please do not hesitate to contact me to book an appointment.